More of the Same

I do not want to do this again....the testing....the trying....the endless "no's.......", the hopes up and let down phase over and over and over. Then on top of this, will be the continuous feeling of being an outcast and on the sidelines....

My marriage is simply awesome......my husband is by far my best friend, an amazing lover, completely in touch with himself and empathetic to those around him. If I built a man like they did a woman in Weird Science in the 80's, I could not build him better. He is my end all for sure.  I am crazy in love with this gorgeous, loving, caring, humbled, and romantic man...... I could never in my wildest dreams replace him.

I am so lost over this baby thing..... Aug. 2005 - April 2007 we tried to conceive Hailey..... by month 5 I was totally becoming obsessed and more and more alone with a husband more concerned with his wallet and his sports to care what I was going through. That said, we did not have a lot of extra money laying around to end my misery so I cannot complain to much....But by the time I conceived her, my marriage was over. The fun of being pregnant was gone. My ex had been to all of the appointments for my first child and almost nothing for my 2nd. I did it pretty much alone in my heart..There was little in way of special about my pregnancy.....nothing from.....anyone....My friends did not even come to my shower.....it was not important, it was #2. In my heart, I did not want a gift but them.....I wanted THEM to be part of this special thing for me. The only ones who seemed like it mattered to were ppl who would never set me ahead of others but it was all about him and the baby......I was still not part of it. Don't get me wrong, I have great friends and family but I think most feel I am just always there so why bother? Sometimes I am surprised but not usually. And this is ok.

When Michael and I realized together how we simply wanted to share a life beyond ourselves, I immediately started to feel a sense of pain....horrified in having to go through this again....This Testing and waiting and crying and hurting, all over again. And that is where I am again on Month #2. I do see, it effects he and I differently. This leaves me in that fetal position alone as usual but it is ok. We cannot see the world through the same lenses all the time. But no one understands this pain but a woman who has been there.

Now there is another issue with my blood....from Blood clotting to to much Iron. I say drain it and put new in!