More of the Same

I do not want to do this again....the testing....the trying....the endless "no's.......", the hopes up and let down phase over and over and over. Then on top of this, will be the continuous feeling of being an outcast and on the sidelines....

My marriage is simply awesome......my husband is by far my best friend, an amazing lover, completely in touch with himself and empathetic to those around him. If I built a man like they did a woman in Weird Science in the 80's, I could not build him better. He is my end all for sure.  I am crazy in love with this gorgeous, loving, caring, humbled, and romantic man...... I could never in my wildest dreams replace him.

I am so lost over this baby thing..... Aug. 2005 - April 2007 we tried to conceive Hailey..... by month 5 I was totally becoming obsessed and more and more alone with a husband more concerned with his wallet and his sports to care what I was going through. That said, we did not have a lot of extra money laying around to end my misery so I cannot complain to much....But by the time I conceived her, my marriage was over. The fun of being pregnant was gone. My ex had been to all of the appointments for my first child and almost nothing for my 2nd. I did it pretty much alone in my heart..There was little in way of special about my pregnancy.....nothing from.....anyone....My friends did not even come to my shower.....it was not important, it was #2. In my heart, I did not want a gift but them.....I wanted THEM to be part of this special thing for me. The only ones who seemed like it mattered to were ppl who would never set me ahead of others but it was all about him and the baby......I was still not part of it. Don't get me wrong, I have great friends and family but I think most feel I am just always there so why bother? Sometimes I am surprised but not usually. And this is ok.

When Michael and I realized together how we simply wanted to share a life beyond ourselves, I immediately started to feel a sense of pain....horrified in having to go through this again....This Testing and waiting and crying and hurting, all over again. And that is where I am again on Month #2. I do see, it effects he and I differently. This leaves me in that fetal position alone as usual but it is ok. We cannot see the world through the same lenses all the time. But no one understands this pain but a woman who has been there.

Now there is another issue with my blood....from Blood clotting to to much Iron. I say drain it and put new in!

History in the making...

I truly thought the worst was behind me. Through the rapes, the physical and sexual abuse and even the mental, I thought most if not all was over. That I met the man of my dreams and I was safe......Safe is a word that I have come to realize is highly complex and complicated..... There is no true reality to "safe".

By the time I  met Michael, I was pretty beaten down. Trust was BS and I needed to be on lock down 24/7 with my hardest exterior and broken dreams inside me to rot. I truly still had hope....in many ways I still do. I have to, I have 2 little girls to look into my eyes and understand what life is truly about. I cannot destroy those little dreams.

I met Michael and my world stopped for a second.....calm and cool....I met him....The man who would change my life for eternity. My Soulmate. He is and always has been, Amazing to me. My End all...... But God did not stop there....While making this man whom I call my best friend, he was creating nightmares to mar the dream as always.......

You see, people with weight problems and struggle to stay on an ideal looking and feeling track, cannot seem to get pregnant and catch a break by gaining little.. but instead, he pushes 40 pounds on them to add to their trials......while skinny women can gain 15 pounds healthy and walkout of the hospital in their old jeans....why some people always have great luck and seem to always cash winning scratch tickets and never seem to get to tarnished on the way through life....and yet others, struggle their whole lives and have little in away of "luck" or "breaks". I can only assume between my 2 girls and Michael, I have used it all.

From day 6 into this relationship, Kim has been aggressive towards me and us. From emailing me to "Stay away from my kids" to breaking in his house and stealing my personal information and likely sharing it with friends....She has trashed us/me to her kids and friends confirm this. They have used me as a pawn in their bantering back and forth while we were out looking for engagement rings.....on our way to Portsmouth......on 95......I remember the tolls and how I felt passing through them.....alone. I have felt alone much of this relationship. I do not blame him because he is stuck between us all understandably. Things I do hold against him in my heart but time will wash those.

To his kids, I am so nice and giving and they could not care less about my kids and I. Morgan wants me out and thats all. She could care less if I  make him happy. But her mom is dating now and that is fine. Mom banged his BFF but that is fine too....who cares.....it is all about HER happiness not his. We are married........but that means nothing.

Even my birthday Morgan could not stop herself from destroying a portion of it by stopping by and bitching about me to her dad....about how she should trump us because I have only been around for 8m. 

Mom can yell at him at her horse show across the street but this ok. I say "I am not trying to be her friend anymore" and this makes me evil. 

Now it is a complete separation because she is at Mom's indefinitely and they go our Tuesday nights and she complains she does not have more. Now she has the younger doing the same. Though when asked to hang out, Naaaaaaah, busy. 

Morgan simply wants her dad's attention through actual and financial. She does not give a shit where he is coming from or cares for. She is extremely selfish and conniving "kid". She breaks my heart for him, and for us all as a whole because Kim can only do so much, she is not part of us. But Morgan takes down the whole thought process....she alone changes us from 6 to 5....And GOD will likely not even allow us to have a baby together.....My heart is shattered into pieces...